This morning I was greeted on Facebook by a video that a friend shared from PTSD Project's facebook page. The video had been posted on a young man's personal facebook page just prior to his suicide.
I didn't know this young man so with respect to his family I will not reference his name.
My heart sunk as I thought of the grief that had overwhelmed his family and friends. In the video, the young man said that he didn't want to hurt them any longer and had decided that taking his own life was the only way to keep them from suffering.
I cried. My daughter had been ease dropping and she said, “I'd rather suffer through PTSD with somebody than to have them commit suicide. I can get over them hurting my feelings, but I will never get over their committing suicide.”
The morning's experience stayed with me all day. Although PTSD Project asked that I share the video, I chose not to. Such an irony that I have that freedom.
As I worked I kept thinking of children that I had taught in various Bible schools where I have volunteered. It's funny to me that when I volunteer to teach I usually offer to be in classes that are specifically for children in grades K-3 and the more experienced teachers always assign the known trouble makers to me!
C'mon. It's Bible school, these are five to nine year old children and as an experienced teacher you tagged a child as being a trouble maker and placed them in my care? Looks to me that post traumatic stress may start very early on, but I just always wanted the children to be happy and feel loved when they left my classroom to go home.
All of those children are now adults. They may remember my teachings but I doubt they remember my name. I wondered what I would say to any one of them should they tell me they were considing suicide.
First thing I think of comes from my mother. Stop worrying about youself and start paying attention to others. My second thought comes from a television show, 'If you want to find yourself, go to church.'
In my mind, I start to ask the child questions.
You remember that lady that placed you in my care? Her mother was in a nursing home and she felt guilt about missing what might be her mom's final hours. She was so fearful of not being all things to her church and her family that her smile was fake.
Remember that one little girl that was the only girl in my class? Her daddy was serving his fifteen years in the state pen. A lady from the church told me that she and others wouldn't visit the child's dad at the prison and when I told her I thought that's when people needed God the most she and her husband contacted the preacher to set up a program to assist families in similar situations.
How about those ladies in the kitchen? Do you remember them? I always told you that we needed to be quiet because the old ladies in the kitchen would get mad. You would all giggle and I would ask if you thought they didn't know they were old. You children would laugh harder and I would shush you and beg you not to get me in trouble with the ladies in the kitchen. When our class went for snacks I thanked those ladies for having my back and told them about our shenanigans. They always complimented me by telling me that they loved to hear your laughter and they told me that I had the
most difficult job because the strong willed children were in my care. I would smile and nod and say, “Yes, thank you. My children are spirited! Thank you.” They wanted to know my secret to teaching and I would always refer to you and your spirit. Eventually, I would thank my way around the kitchen so I could get back to my little class because I couldn't wait to be back with you children.
I wanted to be with you children because I too had ghosties and ghoulies and long leggedy beasties and things that went bump in the night, good Lord, deliver us! You children were my safe haven for those few hours.
As my mom told me, stop worrying about yourself and start paying attention to others. That's why I volunteered to teach Bible school. I needed to pay attention to others.
Don't like the idea of going to church? Then don't go to church, but do start paying attention to others.
Please do not bother using drugs or alcohol to correct what ails you because that will just make things worse. If you're hurting, many other people are too. Not for the same reasons, but they hurt too.
Do you feel embarrassed about yourself and the ghosties and ghoulies that you feel certain that everybody can see? Weren't you paying attention? I just told you that I had them too. Everybody has them. Mine aren't the same as yours, but you aren't going to convince me that yours are bigger.
As I write I recall my daughter's words. I can get over having my feelings hurt. So I ask that just for today you will try to pay attention to others. Just for today you will ask questions about others. Just for today you will listen to their answers without prejudice. Just for today.
When tomorrow comes and you wake up hurting, feel embarrassed or sad and miss having your friends around please remember that I feel that way too, but just for today I am paying attention to others and we'll rinse and repeat the just for today thing we did the day before. Just for today. There has never been a secret to my teachings, it is your spirit.
Spirited: full of energy, enthusiasm, and determination
I call these flowers Tate Buttercups.
They are commonly know as Evening Primrose.
